Raising children today means setting boundaries. With the ever-changing world, not everyone has the same
morals. Some parents aren’t concerned with their childs’ welfare. As
long as their child “stays out of their hair”, they couldn’t care less
what their child is doing or where he or she is going. Other parents,
on the other hand, are concerned with what their child is doing and
will read this and take this information to heart. Those parents who
don’t use discipline or aren’t worried about their children most likely
will not read this.
I have found that setting boundaries can help ease some of the problems
that most parents face. I’m a mom of four children; two boys ages 11
& 12 and two girls ages 17 & 19. No child is perfect. In the
same respect, no parent is perfect. The parent/child relationship is
always changing and growing. Each child is different. Therefore, it is
very important to set boundaries for each child according to his/her
age and maturity. For example, my 17 year-old daughter has a 10:00
curfew on school nights. She actually set this boundary for herself.
She knows that she must get up early to prepare for school. In setting
this boundary for herself, she shows her maturity level. My boys, on
the other hand, would stay up until the wee hours of the morning. Ergo,
their bedtime boundaries must be set for them.
Here are some simple rules to go by when setting boundaries for your children.
1. Listen and compromise:
Listen to your children. Find out what they want. Your child may want
to do their homework at a later time in the day because they are so
overwhelmed right after school that they just need a break. I did this
with my boys. I used to make them do their homework right after school.
I used to fight tooth and nail with them on this issue. One day, I sat
down and actually listened to what they wanted. To my surprise, they
made sense! After listening to them, we compromised. Now, when they
come home from school, they have play time or TV time for two hours.
Every day at 4:30 they know to sit down and do their homework. No
fights, no tantrums (from them or myself), and no excuses! NO PROBLEM!
It’s wonderful.
2. Set specific rules:
There are some rules that you can’t or won’t compromise with them.
Therefore, you need to be specific. If you tell your daughter to be
home by 10:00, then she should be home by 10:00 right? Okay, what if
she’s “home” but hanging outside with friends until 11:00? You weren’t
specific. Make sure that you tell her, “be home and in the house by
10:00 tonight. What happens, God forbid, if you find drugs in your
teenagers’ room? What do you tell him/her? “I don’t ever want to see
drugs in this house again.” That is just telling your child to go ahead
and do drugs just don’t bring into the house. This subject definitely
needs more attention from professionals. This was only used as an
example of being specific.
3. Trust them:
From an early age, your children need to learn that they can trust you.
In the same manner, you need to learn to trust your child(ren). Allow
them room to make mistakes and then learn from them. Let them show you
that they can be home at a certain hour. If they earn that trust from
you, reward them. I can’t stress how important it is to reward your
children for good behavior! Most children hear the negative side. Don’t
say, “You made it home on time but…” Make sure that you thank them for
being home on time. If there is another issue at hand, wait until later
to deal with the issue. Give them time to bask in the glory of doing
something right and gaining your trust.
4. Be consistent:
If you tell your child(ren) that they are grounded, stick to it! Don’t
let them cajole you into releasing them from being grounded early.
- No, means no
- Don’t give in!
- Stick with it!
- Let them learn!
If you are always letting them talk you into going somewhere when
they’re grounded or you’ve already said no, then you lose! Chalk one up
for your child and zero for you. It can be a long, hard mountain to
climb when you stick with your first answer. Your child will try to
make you feel guilty or give you the silent treatment as punishment for
sticking it out. Please, please, please DO NOT give in. This is the
only way that your child will understand that your word is golden.
The same goes for your positive words and deeds. If you promise to take
your child to the movies, then do it! If something so totally
unavoidable comes up, I’m sure that they’ll understand. Be honest with
them and explain the problem. Then work out a compromise to follow
through with your promise. If you’re inconsistent all the time, your
child will know this. He/she will use this against you to get what they
want. Make sure that you take back the control with love.
Best Regards and Happy Parenting
